Saturday, June 23, 2012

Gliss

TRIGGER WARNING: text below contains information about my past eating disorder. 


I mentioned earlier on here that I used to have a crippling fear of summer. My anxiety around this sweltering season is the result of my not so unique problem of having very low self-esteem which transformed into a full-fledged eating disorder when I got to college. It took over my life/heart/brain and made it feel impossible for me to be seen during summer months. During periods of my most sickly skewed thinking, I stayed inside my scummy dorm for weeks on end ordering mass quantities of food, throwing it up, obsessively exercising, and surfing thin-spiration tumblrs and pro-ana sites. I feared that the whole world would go blind from my monstrousness and I would melt into oblivion if I left the house. (I like to keep it light on this blog ! Bear with me, guise.)


 top from the wonderful lady behind electric love light (i want everything she makes), girl. by band of outsiders shorts, opening ceremony boots 


Magically one day, I discovered that I'm actually pretty hot! (JK) Recovery and self-acceptance is actually a constant, uphill worthwhile fight. I always recognized society's beauty standards as oppressive but it took my a while to "re-see" myself, I guess is the only way to put it. 

It really depresses me when I think about the years that I wasted trying to fix a nonexistent problem. Relying on the perfection of your outer self takes time/energy away from discovering success and actual happiness unrelated to the size of your pants or the slope of your cheekbones. It's a tenuous line to tread when your interests lay heavily in the camp of visuality, fashion, aesthetics. This is something I think about often. 

On our way out the door to take these photos Amanda reminded me of the fact that I once deemed myself unworthy of shorts wearing and skin- baring attire. It's funny how the problems that at one point consume your life fade into the distance. I never thought I would be psychologically capable of wearing shorts in public in the summer, especially in a manner that feels true to my style and aesthetic inklings.

 I'm obsessed with this top which I got at Pop Souk this year. The dripping dream beaded shoulders are beyond. This whole outfit also has a certain float away from your skin quality which make them a godsend in this NYC heat-- I will probably be living in variations of this uniform throughout the summer. I wore the combat boots to ensure that this outfit contained equal parts ethereality and aggression.  

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles, but having gone through something similar to that myself it makes me feel better to hear that we are both moving on from that horrible time. thinspiration tumblrs are pretty dreadful, and it comforts me that now if any posts stumble upon my dashboard I look at them with more wincing than admiration/jealousy.
    Also you are so beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I had a similar experience in high school and early college, and it's funny how ridiculous it all seems to me now. Both of you girls are gorgeous and have seriously some of the most epic style I've ever seen; I'm so glad I found your blog. <3

    http://elledoesnttalk.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  3. Came across your site looking for "moldy chocolates" on Google, yeah, I can't fathom it either. But you are right, very beautiful and still being yourself. In some ways like Debbie Harry.

    There are models who do kind of gothic fairy modelling, I follow one on Facebook. She once posted a series of pictures of herself without the makeup and didn't look at all extraordinary, but with the makeup and a great dresser and photographer, she looks amazing.

    I'm thinking, from your dresses, you could easily do this kind of fashion modelling, if it interests you. This is her deviant art page:

    http://mariaamanda.deviantart.com/

    Well worth investigating.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Came across your site looking for "moldy chocolates" on Google, yeah, I can't fathom it either. But you are right, very beautiful and still being yourself. In some ways like Debbie Harry.

    There are models who do kind of gothic fairy modelling, I follow one on Facebook. She once posted a series of pictures of herself without the makeup and didn't look at all extraordinary, but with the makeup and a great dresser and photographer, she looks amazing.

    I'm thinking, from your dresses, you could easily do this kind of fashion modelling, if it interests you. This is her deviant art page:

    http://mariaamanda.deviantart.com/

    Well worth investigating.

    ReplyDelete