Gliss

TRIGGER WARNING: text below contains information about my past eating disorder. 


I mentioned earlier on here that I used to have a crippling fear of summer. My anxiety around this sweltering season is the result of my not so unique problem of having very low self-esteem which transformed into a full-fledged eating disorder when I got to college. It took over my life/heart/brain and made it feel impossible for me to be seen during summer months. During periods of my most sickly skewed thinking, I stayed inside my scummy dorm for weeks on end ordering mass quantities of food, throwing it up, obsessively exercising, and surfing thin-spiration tumblrs and pro-ana sites. I feared that the whole world would go blind from my monstrousness and I would melt into oblivion if I left the house. (I like to keep it light on this blog ! Bear with me, guise.)

 top from the wonderful lady behind electric love light (i want everything she makes), girl. by band of outsiders shorts, opening ceremony boots 

Magically one day, I discovered that I'm actually pretty hot! (JK) Recovery and self-acceptance is actually a constant, uphill worthwhile fight. I always recognized society's beauty standards as oppressive but it took my a while to "re-see" myself, I guess is the only way to put it. 

It really depresses me when I think about the years that I wasted trying to fix a nonexistent problem. Relying on the perfection of your outer self takes time/energy away from discovering success and actual happiness unrelated to the size of your pants or the slope of your cheekbones. It's a tenuous line to tread when your interests lay heavily in the camp of visuality, fashion, aesthetics. This is something I think about often. 

On our way out the door to take these photos Amanda reminded me of the fact that I once deemed myself unworthy of shorts wearing and skin- baring attire. It's funny how the problems that at one point consume your life fade into the distance. I never thought I would be psychologically capable of wearing shorts in public in the summer, especially in a manner that feels true to my style and aesthetic inklings.

 I'm obsessed with this top which I got at Pop Souk this year. The dripping dream beaded shoulders are beyond. This whole outfit also has a certain float away from your skin quality which make them a godsend in this NYC heat-- I will probably be living in variations of this uniform throughout the summer. I wore the combat boots to ensure that this outfit contained equal parts ethereality and aggression.